next step .....step back

ok so i was always really honest with jordan about my feelings for braden i never kept it from him it didnt seem to bother him or he just never wanted to talk about it . i sent braden packages around holidays or his bday and wrote him every week i knew he was going to soon me so emerged in the work that i probably wouldnt hear from him too much so i was sooo excited when i did and then these girls started popping up saying that they were writing him and that he was their missionary talk about CONFUSING but of course i wasnt about to ask him about it he had his mission to think about and thats really not something he should focus on and it turned out not to be true anyways. I was hanging out with jordan everyday getting closer to him but always still feeling like it wasn't the same as it was with braden ...some of you might know what I'm talking about its like something is missing but i was so torn ...... well two months into our relationship jordan went to one of his mission buddies weddings and came back saying he felt that he was ready to take our relationship to the next level ......i had only been a member for six month and we had only been dating for two months so u can see why i was way caught off guard with this !! i hadnt started thinking in Mormon years yet !!!! so i told him i wasnt ready since i still had feelings for braden and i think it was a little soon i loved him but i just wasnt ready for that at this point i decided to write braden and tell him without distracting him so i did and he wrote me back saying he had a feeling anyways and that i was the only one who could figure it out but of course he would love to see what could happen with us when he got back ..... well a week after jordan and me had that talk we went to my work party for Christmas and we drove out to a spot in the desert where he broke up with me ..... and i will admit i was sad but i wasnt heart broke and that should have been an answer to me but i think i was just sad that i wasnt going to have someone there now and there was a lot of good about jordan and i so i was sad that was coming to an end. Also lets be honest its always a pride thing when we arent the ones to end it they r ..... you think i would have just excepted it and it would have been my answer but it was hard all of our friends were the same we went to church together and i saw him all the time , and of course people talk i remember walking down the hall at church knowing that people were talking about me and him it was pretty lame ....it was hard i told him that i wrote braden and told him everything and he asked if we could talk at fhe ................

college , singles ward , and a whole bunch of bon fires ...

so im not totally sure if im doing this whole blogg thing right but i dont care its nice to be able to write its like an online journal except anyone can see it hahaha ! o well im pretty open anyways !well braden left in november of 06 wow tha seems so far away now .... i started my third semester of college studying social work which i love!! andi it was confirmed that what im suppose to do when i started taking more of my social work classes it was good that i had school it kept me busy i had this englis class with some kids from high school and my teacher well lets just say she .....well she talked a lot about her girlfriend so once the kids i went to high school found out i was mormon now they started asking questions making comments and my teacher picked u on it and she would challenge me with questions well one day the kids were saying something and this cuute girl with long hair turned around and was like " hey im lds too ..." her name was wendy she was super sweet we became friends pretty quickly i found out she had just sent out a missionary too so we had a lot in common well we had heard about this singkes ward and we were both a little hesitant but me being a convert didnt know why .....i had heard people joke about it being all about getting married but i didnt know that there was a lot of truth to that lol ....................I NOW GET IT !! my first sunday there i met some cool kids that invited me to fhe the next day . i went we went to the corn maze well there were these twins there and it was pretty cold and i asked on of them to hold my soda in his pocket but i kept getting confused on which one it was ! well at the end of the maze they all talked about having a bonfire at the twins house and invited me . well knowing myself and the great sense of directions i have asked one of the twins jordan to ride with me so i didnt get lost ........well he did and we talked a lot i told him i had a missionary my conversion story we hung out a little at the fire then he " left his stickers in my car " so when went to leave he had to walk out and get them he asked for my number and said we should hang out im pretty sure u got a text the next day

hank and bradens mission call

ok so the weeks flew by and i started to give hank reading lessons in between school and work and my church activities . it was great we started reading the BoM together and it was great he could read it so well but when it came to other reading material he couldn't so i got him flash cards and told him to study them when i wasn't with him . it kept me busy which kept me out of trouble ! braden was getting ready to leave for his mission and of course the whole distance thing just wasn't working it was just hard to not have him there for support as a new member he was my rock in the church but he just had a lot going on getting ready for his mission which i was so torn about i wanted him to go because just being baptized i had a strong testimony of missionary work but i also wanted to be selfish and keep him here . but he just wasn't there for me anymore i felt like he was trying to push me away just because it would make it easier for him to leave we fought a lot luckily his family was so great and they were there for me a lo and so was hank it was nice when i worked with hank i didnt think about all of that stuff i left it at the door ! i didn't realize it till i looked back on it but teaching him helped me more then i think i helped him it saved me i think if i wasnt involved in helping him i probably would have fallen away pretty fast but just witnessing the miracle of him being able to read the BoM even though his whole life he had never been able to read helped my testimony . it was great i stopped working with hank things just got so busy in my life and i didnt think he needed me anymore but i would stop by and keep in touch with him he was able to go to the temple a year later and be endowed and be sealed to his wife which was awesome ! im grateful for that experience it was such a blessing . Braden recieved his mission call to the Richmond VA mission ! i was excited for him i decided to go and say goodbye a couple weeks before his farewell knowing he would have a lot going on and i wanted to be able to have our time to say bye ! it was so hard i dont think i have ever had so much of a knot in my stomach as i did the day he took me to the airport i just cried . while i was up there his family had a special fhe and we went around and talked about what we were grateful for about braden and we wrote him a note ! i kept mine and gave it to him at the airport but that was one of the hardest goodbyes ever! even though we both kept saying " its not goodbye its see you later .." i think deep down we both knew it could really be goodbye ..........

continued .....sort of

so i just had dinner with this awesome guy ! k anyways back to my life stort so i knew i had to make some changes and i did ! i started just keeping myself busy with church activites . one sunday i was sitting in church next to this older man i mean he has to be in his eightys when the sunday school teacher asked him to read something he struggled majorly ...i couldnt help but feel like i should talk to him after church well i attempted to but he didnt want anything to do with me .......after church another person in our ward went and handed me a paper with a bunch of peoples names on it and on there was the old mans Hank!!! so i kinda started stalking him ...i just called him one day and was like hi hank its ruby the new girl in ur ward and he was like how can i help u i asked if i could maybe stop by someday soon just to visit and he said he was kinda busy and didnt know when he would really have time i thought to myself how much activites could a eighty year old man really have going on ??? so i called again and again until he finally ok'ed me coming over so i went and he stayed in this bck room of his house well we talked he told me all about his wife and his family and how he had fallen away for so many years from the church and had recently only gotten back into it and was excited to be sealed to his wife for time and all eternity .....in our discussion i discovered he had never learned to read . i though how sad to never have been able to read ur scriptures or books . so i made it my mission to come and read with him and teach him to read . ...........................................

continued .....

ok so i think i left off where braden dunked me ! it was such a hard time in my life after i went back home changed my life completely there was one problem i thought u could do that and keep all the same friends ......but u cant and since i so in love with braden the thought of going to a singles ward was scary :) so even though i wouldn't take part in the partying and drinking my friends at the time would i still went and tried to hang out but it was to hard... ... when u first join the church u know that the adversary will be working on u then u throw ur self into those situations and its even harder i had " friends" pour beer on me and tell me they were going to " beat" the Mormon out of me , my family struggled a little with it my dad tried to show me anti - Mormon videos , but i knew what i felt when i prayed about it was something only i would understand ...... so i would challenge my dad ..( after a few mins of freaking out thinking i was going to hell ) i once asked him " does dna prove that God exists ?" and of course he said " no " so i said " does that mean that He doesnt ...?? " there r somethings in this world we wont get or understand and thats where faith comes in i knew what i believed was true and if i wanted to stick with it i would have to be making some big changes in my life ...........

when my life really began ,

So lets see my life changed when i joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints , on July 9th 2006 . Before that i was always wondering about God , life had been one roller coaster of a ride one that seems to go one forever . You start to think really ? how much can one person take ? i was born april 12th 1987 to a mother who was an alcoholic ..... she was wonderful when she was sober, but that was rare , my older brother Josh took care of me and my little brother matt until he couldnt do it anymore he left and it was my turn so i took care of my little brother and twin sisters ........ we had some really hard times kids taking care of kids my dad was never in the picture. Their dad was AMAZING and took me in like his own and has been my dad ever since .... we went with him on the weekends they went to live with him off and on ..... dont get me wrong we love my mom she taught us a lot about family which is funny because thats what got me interested in the church is the family aspect of it ..... she taught us to stick together and at the end of the day family is all u have and thats all tha matters . All the things i saw as a child made me really angry at God i wanted to know why all this had hapened to me and my family .......?? i guess u could say things changed for us on january 2 2000 when my mom passed away . we started going to church we tried so many !!! i remember thinking this is a joke !!!! no matter where we go its not going to make me feel better about not having my mom and im still going to be mad at God !! i would asked questions and would often get the answer " that's just the way it is ...." i knew that couldnt be if God really loved me there had to me more to it .........so we kept going i gradutated high school in 2005 and moved out on my own ..... where i met this kid named braden !! Man were we crazy about each other ! Finally i found someone who loved me for me !! it was great .. one problem he was LDS ..... i had no interest in it at all......until i really thought about it if i really loved him i should probably know a little about what he believed........so hi family introduced me to some people who could helped MISSIONARIES !! it was funny i didnt even know what they were or what they looked like ...... so i started taking lessons from them ! i would ask them questions that i has asked other pastors or preachers and guess what ???? they actually had an answer !! it was great a answer for everything and i started to feel complete i cant even explain it its like something had been missing in my life and i was finaly complete ! Braden baptized me and it was one of the most special nights of my life i didnt know it was possible to feel that close to someone ! well thats that . i will finish some more of my story soon

There is only one me ......

so i just started this whole blogging thing !! im excited i love writing so this is a good way to get some of my feelings out! i am 22 years old i just started a new life in logan utah ! im excited for the person im becoming i love life right now its fun !! my roommate is whitney she is great ! we ave fun thats what its about it so far i will keep u update on my life i will write when i get frustrated or sad !