next step .....step back

ok so i was always really honest with jordan about my feelings for braden i never kept it from him it didnt seem to bother him or he just never wanted to talk about it . i sent braden packages around holidays or his bday and wrote him every week i knew he was going to soon me so emerged in the work that i probably wouldnt hear from him too much so i was sooo excited when i did and then these girls started popping up saying that they were writing him and that he was their missionary talk about CONFUSING but of course i wasnt about to ask him about it he had his mission to think about and thats really not something he should focus on and it turned out not to be true anyways. I was hanging out with jordan everyday getting closer to him but always still feeling like it wasn't the same as it was with braden ...some of you might know what I'm talking about its like something is missing but i was so torn ...... well two months into our relationship jordan went to one of his mission buddies weddings and came back saying he felt that he was ready to take our relationship to the next level ......i had only been a member for six month and we had only been dating for two months so u can see why i was way caught off guard with this !! i hadnt started thinking in Mormon years yet !!!! so i told him i wasnt ready since i still had feelings for braden and i think it was a little soon i loved him but i just wasnt ready for that at this point i decided to write braden and tell him without distracting him so i did and he wrote me back saying he had a feeling anyways and that i was the only one who could figure it out but of course he would love to see what could happen with us when he got back ..... well a week after jordan and me had that talk we went to my work party for Christmas and we drove out to a spot in the desert where he broke up with me ..... and i will admit i was sad but i wasnt heart broke and that should have been an answer to me but i think i was just sad that i wasnt going to have someone there now and there was a lot of good about jordan and i so i was sad that was coming to an end. Also lets be honest its always a pride thing when we arent the ones to end it they r ..... you think i would have just excepted it and it would have been my answer but it was hard all of our friends were the same we went to church together and i saw him all the time , and of course people talk i remember walking down the hall at church knowing that people were talking about me and him it was pretty lame ....it was hard i told him that i wrote braden and told him everything and he asked if we could talk at fhe ................

college , singles ward , and a whole bunch of bon fires ...

so im not totally sure if im doing this whole blogg thing right but i dont care its nice to be able to write its like an online journal except anyone can see it hahaha ! o well im pretty open anyways !well braden left in november of 06 wow tha seems so far away now .... i started my third semester of college studying social work which i love!! andi it was confirmed that what im suppose to do when i started taking more of my social work classes it was good that i had school it kept me busy i had this englis class with some kids from high school and my teacher well lets just say she .....well she talked a lot about her girlfriend so once the kids i went to high school found out i was mormon now they started asking questions making comments and my teacher picked u on it and she would challenge me with questions well one day the kids were saying something and this cuute girl with long hair turned around and was like " hey im lds too ..." her name was wendy she was super sweet we became friends pretty quickly i found out she had just sent out a missionary too so we had a lot in common well we had heard about this singkes ward and we were both a little hesitant but me being a convert didnt know why .....i had heard people joke about it being all about getting married but i didnt know that there was a lot of truth to that lol ....................I NOW GET IT !! my first sunday there i met some cool kids that invited me to fhe the next day . i went we went to the corn maze well there were these twins there and it was pretty cold and i asked on of them to hold my soda in his pocket but i kept getting confused on which one it was ! well at the end of the maze they all talked about having a bonfire at the twins house and invited me . well knowing myself and the great sense of directions i have asked one of the twins jordan to ride with me so i didnt get lost ........well he did and we talked a lot i told him i had a missionary my conversion story we hung out a little at the fire then he " left his stickers in my car " so when went to leave he had to walk out and get them he asked for my number and said we should hang out im pretty sure u got a text the next day

hank and bradens mission call

ok so the weeks flew by and i started to give hank reading lessons in between school and work and my church activities . it was great we started reading the BoM together and it was great he could read it so well but when it came to other reading material he couldn't so i got him flash cards and told him to study them when i wasn't with him . it kept me busy which kept me out of trouble ! braden was getting ready to leave for his mission and of course the whole distance thing just wasn't working it was just hard to not have him there for support as a new member he was my rock in the church but he just had a lot going on getting ready for his mission which i was so torn about i wanted him to go because just being baptized i had a strong testimony of missionary work but i also wanted to be selfish and keep him here . but he just wasn't there for me anymore i felt like he was trying to push me away just because it would make it easier for him to leave we fought a lot luckily his family was so great and they were there for me a lo and so was hank it was nice when i worked with hank i didnt think about all of that stuff i left it at the door ! i didn't realize it till i looked back on it but teaching him helped me more then i think i helped him it saved me i think if i wasnt involved in helping him i probably would have fallen away pretty fast but just witnessing the miracle of him being able to read the BoM even though his whole life he had never been able to read helped my testimony . it was great i stopped working with hank things just got so busy in my life and i didnt think he needed me anymore but i would stop by and keep in touch with him he was able to go to the temple a year later and be endowed and be sealed to his wife which was awesome ! im grateful for that experience it was such a blessing . Braden recieved his mission call to the Richmond VA mission ! i was excited for him i decided to go and say goodbye a couple weeks before his farewell knowing he would have a lot going on and i wanted to be able to have our time to say bye ! it was so hard i dont think i have ever had so much of a knot in my stomach as i did the day he took me to the airport i just cried . while i was up there his family had a special fhe and we went around and talked about what we were grateful for about braden and we wrote him a note ! i kept mine and gave it to him at the airport but that was one of the hardest goodbyes ever! even though we both kept saying " its not goodbye its see you later .." i think deep down we both knew it could really be goodbye ..........